I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
