Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
