Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
