We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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