I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
