you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
