I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
