The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
