i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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