Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
