he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
