so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
