i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
