I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
