Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
