What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just want nice things and good sex
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
