he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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