just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
