Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
where does the pee come out of this thing
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
