I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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