insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
