Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
