He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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