saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
