My balls are so social today.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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