the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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