I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Randomize
