420 ftw
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
