We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
