I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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