found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
last night I used snow as a chaser
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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