your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
