I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
