I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
