i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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