This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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