That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
