just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
