I never want to see another naked old woman again.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
