i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
