nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
