i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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