5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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