I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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