You really coming over, don't trick.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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