on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
