What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
