We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
