dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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