i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
